A warm, sunny, summer’s day stroll through the Leo Mol Garden can seem so much better with company that has the potential to become a lifetime filled with experiences like this one. So many more experiences, just at this instant I’ve seen them coming, that you are undeniably falling in love and not planning but already living the life to follow. Karma has finally caught up to me, the good guy, and noticed that I’ve behaved respectfully, honestly, openly and have acted with the highest of honours towards the entire world. Once in a while I may get a tingle in my extremities, not the imminent-heart-attack-pain I’m used to, but a general warming like there is a spark in my heart spreading to my limbs. The impending fire that may grow will be gently crackling, warmth giving, and a nurturing fire that will thaw even the coldest gentleman who has seen heartache. Heartache from the cold Manitoba winters reminiscent of some of the lovers I found overwhelming and undeniably against me finding true love in this, my only life.
What is love to the one I am walking with? Does she share common ground? Does she dream of a family… A future filled with surprise… A steady thing that leads to marriage? Does she believe in the wedding vows as typically read? For better or for worse? In health and in sickness? For richer or for poorer? I can’t help if I’m Mentally Ill… I have superb days… I have dreadful days. Sometimes the dreadful days out number the wonderful ones and I don’t feel like I do now. I can’t help the fact that I am on Disability because of my illness, many make fun of me because of this, and I might not be the best of providers but I have a future… A GOOD ONE. I wrote all these years and listened to those around me who tried to help, those who’ve believed in me all along. Even the voices I’ve collected have merit… The good ones that try to guide me… The authors out of books… The people I’ve met through time… The true, undeniable friends I’ve had and never forgotten, even through distance and time.
Right now my heart soars with Eagles… My pride is with the Lions… My strength comes from a Dragon. That could change tonight at Three AM when I lay all alone. When she leaves, will she still comfort me? When she is here, will she listen? Is she filled with lies… Deceit… Treachery… Underhandedness… Dubiousness… Deception? The others seemed fine at the start too, like they wanted me for what I was about. They filled their words with slander… They wouldn’t say anything in the beginning… They thought I could hear their thoughts… They thought I knew… They thought I would change in ways that I cannot. Maybe she is the one to stop toying with me… To let me do as I must… To perform up to the world’s expectation… To become myself int he modern age… To outdo myself every chance I get… To be the one to help me while I help her.
I just took one of those online Facebook tests today… The kind that peg you as something… The kind psychologically tied to what makes you tick… This time it’s What Kind of Flower Are You? Usually when I take this test, I come back as something lesser than what I should be… Lesser than my whole…. Lesser than everything I can be…. Lesser. I’ve gone as low as Lavender with someone… Typically I come back as a Forget-Me-Not and seem content, but not up to my full potential yet. Today I thought of the woman I’m with… The one I want to spend the rest of my life with… The one that lets me… The one that makes me complete… I came back a Rose.
A Rose, I thought, the cherished, sought after, often thought of flower of love… ME… MYSELF… I’M A ROSE? I thought it was a sick joke… Fake… A Fallacy… A non-existent incongruity… Imaginary mass to the layman. Still a Rose Blossom so big… So obvious… So full of life… So full of potential… It had to be true. I stopped and and turned to the lady I was with and smiled… She smiled back… As we were holding hands I pulled her in close and gave her a hug. I spontaneously felt the need to go further and leaned in… Feeling the groove of acceptance I planted a kiss on her lips… A deep meaningful kiss full of passion… Full of myself. She kissed back… Deeply and meaningfully as well…. For an instant we were one. I finally seen the moment had arrived and let it slip out loud in public for a change: “I Love You”.
Jonasson Enigmatic Nirvana 